Letting Go of Guilt, Holding on to Love.
I did a talk/workshop recently on supporting families to navigate the emotional impact of moving a loved one into specialist dementia care. And offering guidance around feelings of guilt, grief and acceptance in a safe way.
Moving a loved one into care is one of the most emotionally complex decisions families ever face. And understanding the feelings that come with the transition and remembering that love is still at the centre of everything families have done and often continue to do is key.
Some of you may be aware my dad eventually moved into a home after his health deteriorated a number of years after his life changing head injury. And then more recently my 80-year-old aunt began to develop dementia acquired through a head injury after getting knocked over. So, I appreciate and understand some of the upset, unknown and lack of control that can come with the process.
Some people can be caring for a loved one for several years at home as dementia progresses. And have the worry of questioning if the person has taken their medication. Are they eating the right meals. Or worrying about them falling. And the ongoing heartache of the person not always remembering who they are. Then with the decision to move someone into a care place can come the guilt and sense of failing them.
But something quite important then needs to be navigated, considered and shifted in the family’s mindset. That they haven’t stopped caring. But they are allowing other people to carry the care, while they continue to carry the love is vital. And to begin the process of setting down the grief, sadness, exhaustion, doubt and anger for a while. And know they are not alone.
At the talk/workshop I encouraged families to choose 3 containers. This could be anything from jam jars, biscuit tins, or ready-made cardboard boxes. Something with a lid is important as part of the containing process. I encouraged families to consider the following:
Container 1; Write all the things you feel guilty and worry about on paper /post its. Things you may be angry about and want to say to your loved one but can’t. Add to this as many times as you like through the days, weeks, months. Some people like to add to them when they feel like it. Others prefer a structure and do this at a set time on a set day each week. There is no right or wrong way of doing it.
Container 2: Place all the memories, photos, music, postcards, letters, lovely times. This can also represent present memories which you can continue to create and add to.
Container 3; Place all the things you like about yourself. This container is to focus on you. The things that make you feel good. Things that make you smile. Maybe new things you are beginning to do for yourself. It represents a sense of your own emerging identity.
Over a period of time revisit some of the things you have placed in container 1 and see if any of your thoughts and feelings have begun to change around it. And give this time and acceptance if things are not changing straight away. It maybe you need to adjust your expectations. It can be helpful to notice if there are any changes as you reflect on your journey.
Containers 2 and 3 can be utilised when you are having some challenging and low moments. So, reading and looking at these may be enough to uplift and inspire. And remind yourself you are embracing the new things as well as holding memories close.
Remember guilt often appears because we love deeply and want to do everything possible for the people we care about. Dementia changes what care requires, and sometimes the safest and most loving decision is to involve specialist support.
I will continue to share some of my reflections on supporting families through the transition to moving a loved one into care.
In the meantime if you need any further support please contact me at mandy@knowlimitscoach.com
And my poem ‘Holding on to love’ can be found @mandygutsell5940
I offer supportive strategies to honour the past, accept the present and look to the future with peace of mind.
Click Here to head over to our YouTube reading of this Poem.