Relationships

I did a keynote speech recently at a Valentines event.

What really struck me was it did not matter whether people’s relationship status was single, partner, married, complicated or anywhere in-between.

The key piece people often miss; is the relationship they have with themselves is the most important. As how we treat ourselves and our level of awareness about what makes us tick, sets the tone for every other relationship.

Including the messages we send to people on how to treat us, and what we are willing to put up with. Sometimes these messages are very clearly communicated.

However, a lot of the time we may send mixed messages to others. Our verbal’s may say one thing, but our actions say another. E.g. Setting a boundary and yet still allowing exceptions. “I don’t like it when you speak to me in that way.” But then allowing it to happen again without consequences.

Another example: Over compromising to please. E.g. I apologise for being so sensitive. I know I make you angry when I get upset about little things. This may reduce the tension in the moment but is not allowing the other person to take responsibility for their feelings and actions.

So, coming back to how we treat ourselves sets the tone for every other relationship.

 It is vital to demonstrate self-respect if we want to increase our chances of being treated in a respectful manner. Demonstrating this involves setting and reinforcing boundaries. Being clear about expectations and communicating our needs clearly. And maintaining your own identity, values and independence. In addition, saying “no” to disrespectful behaviour, prioritising your own well-being, & not apologising for having needs is key.

Keyways to demonstrate Self-Respect.

*Set and Enforce Boundaries: Clearly define your limits regarding time, emotional space, and physical to prevent being taken advantage of. Saying “no” and refusing to do things that make you uncomfortable or going against your values is ok.

It’s also ok to ask for space. Remember boundaries are not barriers, they support clarity. Asking yourself, “What do I need to feel respected, safe and energised in this relationship?’ will help you to look after your emotions and keep your values in mind. It will also help anchor your identity in your own core needs, rather than allowing your sense of self to be dictated by another person’s expectations or a need for external validation.

*Use Assertive Communication: Clearly voice your opinions, needs and feelings using “I” statements, rather than staying silent to avoid conflict. Addressing uncomfortable situations immediately rather than allowing disrespect to continue will save a lot of hurt in the long run. If something is unclear name it. Being honest with yourself about what you need from a relationship is an act of self-care.

*Maintain Your Identity: Keep your hobbies, friendships & interests outside of the relationship to avoid becoming too dependent on one person. It keeps your identity intact and makes you a more well-rounded person and reduces the pressure on another person to meet all your needs. Exploring other hobbies builds self-worth and can strengthen the bond by bringing new, experiences into the partnership. In addition, both partners feeling free to pursue personal passions can reduce potential resentment that can build from restriction or lack of personal space. Independent activities can also act as a stress reliever and contribute to overall happiness and emotional wellbeing.

*Honour Your Own Words: Keep commitments you make to yourself, which reinforces your own self-worth. It also demonstrates trust and establishes you as being reliable. When you show your trustworthy it enables another person to feel safe and more secure.

*Walk Away When Needed: Recognise when a situation is disrespectful and be willing to leave if boundaries are consistently crossed. Disrespect over time can erode a person’s self-worth, mental peace and ability to grow. Stepping away shows you value yourself too much to tolerate poor treatment, which often forces a re-evaluation of your worth. It also creates space for healing and breaks a cycle of fighting and emotional pain, providing the calm for peace and personal growth. Walking away can be a powerful and courageous act of self-love.

Finally remember every relationship is a mirror. What we find difficult in someone else often reflects something within ourselves. If someone’s behaviour and actions trigger us, it is useful to pause and ask: What is this showing me about myself?

Click Here to head over to our YouTube reading of this Poem.