Transition and Change can be Difficult. 30.3.26
Moving a loved one into Dementia Care can be emotionally complex and difficult to navigate. In one of my previous blogs/musings I reflected on a workshop I did, supporting families to navigate the emotional impact of moving a loved one into specialist dementia care. And offering guidance around feelings of guilt, grief and acceptance in a safe way.
I would like to reflect further on why this transition can be so difficult for loved ones.
Firstly, love and responsibility can feel deeply connected which can lead to people feeling mixed emotions that they are letting people down. Families may have promised to care for loved ones and help them remain in their home. Even when the care been provided has far exceeded the loved one’s capabilities. There can be a sense of duty and not wanting to burden others.
Secondly dementia changes what care requires. So people living with dementia often lack awareness at times and may strongly resist needing help leading to conflict.
Thirdly fear of the unknown is common as families may have little experience with care homes, leading to anxiety about the quality of care. This may be compounded by the loss of Identity as carers may experience anticipatory grief, mourning the loss of the person they knew, while still alive. And may also face a loss of purpose after acting as a primary carer for a long time. And carers can experience profound emotional loneliness after physical separation from their loved one.
Fourthly Transfer Trauma can occur where the move to a home can trigger disorientation, anxiety and agitation. This can result initially in memory loss, depression and behavioural issues. And commonly a person may repeatedly ask to go home, which can be distressing for family and add to guilt. I know this happened with my aunt for the first few months. Which could be difficult at times when we had hoped this would be more settling for her. Eventually it took time to see what her ‘new norm’ would be. And as my aunt and the staff got to know each other better, things did begin to settle. And different activities were identified that could help her motivation and memory. Of course, this is a journey in progress as my aunt changes over time. So there are highs and lows along the way.
The relationship shift can be a time of adjustment. For those who were a primary caregiver, they now shift roles to a family visitor/advocate. This requires a new and sometimes difficult relationship dynamic for the family, their loved one and staff. And can leave the primary caregiver experiencing mixed emotions. Including relief and also guilt.
Giving time for self, and the role of developing a new sense of identity in their own right is important. This may mean attending a new club. Or find a new hobby. It could be rediscovering something someone used to once enjoy.
Also, when looking at care homes it is important for the family to give this time. Going to visit the place and staff more than once is key. Seeing how people interact with each other. To what degree are family included in activities. Are their support meetings for family members to share with likeminded people.
I said in my previous blog that something important needs to be considered in the family’s mindset. This is a reminder of that. That they haven’t stopped caring. But they are allowing other people to carry the care, while they continue to carry the love. And begin the process of setting down the grief, sadness, exhaustion, doubt and anger for a while. And know they are not alone.
And remember guilt often appears because we love deeply and want to do everything possible for the people we care about. Dementia changes what care requires, and sometimes the safest and most loving decision is to involved specialist support.
if you need any further support, please contact me at mandy@knowlimitscoach.com
And my poem ‘Holding on to love’ can be found @mandygutsell5940
I offer supportive strategies to honour the past, accept the present and look to the future with peace of mind.
In the meantime if you need any further support please contact me at mandy@knowlimitscoach.com
And my poem ‘Holding on to love’ can be found @mandygutsell5940
I offer supportive strategies to honour the past, accept the present and look to the future with peace of mind.
Click Here to head over to our YouTube reading of this Poem.