The Long Goodbye.

I made reference to ‘anticipatory grief’ recently in my latest newsletter. I would like to share more about my reflections on this. It is also linked to the poem I wrote called ‘The Long Goodbye’.

When I first created this poem, it was on the final day of leaving behind the work I had been delivering for many years at Fircroft College. The role entailed creating, delivering and evaluating Personal Development courses. And some Professional courses such as Leadership and Management, Coaching, Mental Health, Mentoring, Supervision and Volunteering.

Initially I delivered the courses through my own business Know Limits and enjoyed the flexibility this brought. But also loved the learning environment and everything the College stood for. Social justice and providing adults with first, second and for many third chances in a learning environment to enable them to make life changing decisions in their personal and work life. I also was able to bring a lot of my other skills and resources to the role and at the same time a high level of energy as I had my Private Practise and Training Company. So, I felt able to let go of any work politics and staff dynamics that can often come from working for one Organisation. 

With a big restructuring and on the back of OFSTED advice in 2017, changes were eventually made to the staff working agreements and also, expectations on the hours of delivery and marking. I really loved engaging with the learners and knowing I was able to make a difference to their lives. But eventually all the other logistics around the delivery began to take its toll. I noticed I was beginning to feel more irritated by things that previously I may have let go of or ignored. I noticed the intensity of the courses and the time required to mark was beginning to take its toll and I especially heard myself saying ‘I’m tired’. At first this phrase was a reflection on my physical tiredness, but eventually I began to realise it was more about my mental capacity… and then the big burning question that got louder and louder, to a point I could not ignore it: ‘Is this sustainable?’ - I knew deep down the answer was no. However, the time frame of knowing deep down I didn’t have the same level of energy and motivation, probably occurred over a 2-year period.

Revisiting the term ‘Anticipatory Grief’, it is caused by the awareness or expectation of a significant loss.

Commonly a loved one’s terminal illness like cancer or dementia. And knowing a loved one has a life limiting condition. Physical and Cognitive decline such as witnessing a person’s gradual deterioration, even if they’re still physically present. Loss of the ‘Old’ Relationship, mourning the person they were or the life you shared before the illness changed everything. Fear and Uncertainty including anxiety about the unknown future and how you may cope. Missed Future Experiences, such as grieving events you may never share like weddings or grandchildren. Role Changes including the stress and responsibility of becoming a caregiver and feelings of loss for your own life and freedom. And Major Life Transitions like retirement, leaving a job after many years, end of an unhealthy long-term relationship/friendship, or children leaving home (empty nest). Note that a lot of the major life transitions can be seen as positive changes and it is still normal to experience some of the common feelings associated with Anticipatory Grief. E.g. Sadness, anxiety, anger, overwhelmed, unable to concentrate. 

Looking back, I can see that in relation to stages of grief I was probably in ‘denial’ and ‘bargaining’ for a while. Hoping that my feelings would change or that changes made in working patterns may help and sharing my concerns. I think these things helped a bit in the short term. But eventually I began to move to the stage of ‘acceptance’. Even though I felt sadness at letting go of the role at Fircroft, I also began to rehearse what the future may look like without the role. How I could take back some control and agency over my business. What my practice could look like with more flexibility with my time. Imagining this in ‘real time’. I created a vision board of what I wanted for my business. I shared my ideas with my Supervisor. I went back and revisited my Gestalt Therapist, in order to process some emotional residue.  I took a Business Mentor/Coach on to look at the strategic side of my business and time for ‘myself’. For more self-care and nurture. To develop my Supervision, Coaching and Enneagram skills further. To a point where the future began to look more exciting than the fear of what I was losing and saying goodbye to. 

I have also found it a real privilege to share my poem with others. One of my clients really connected with the poem when considering she needed to let go of a 30-year friendship but realised she was not benefiting from it. She had focused on her sense of loyalty. For what the friendship once offered but was now not serving her well anymore. She recognised she had hoped it may change over time. But she was not enjoying her friend’s company anymore and felt she was being abused and used for the friends needs.

Another client resonated with her changing role as a carer, and struggling to create some time for herself where she did not feel guilty or resentful with the time she was needing to give to the changing role and they also began to work on the need to be the sole support - to not see it as a weakness to ask for some help. To allow others to feel they could step up.

I have also shared with clients who have found it helpful when processing their feelings for their mother who was in the latter stages of dementia and another who recognised they had begun their own long goodbye to their current work role. They recognised they still have things they wanted to achieve and set in place to leave it in a better place. But their future energy and plans needed to shift.

Remember Anticipatory grief is a valid, painful process of grieving before the actual loss, allowing you to mourn the past, present, and future simultaneously, and finding ways to cope in the present moment is vital. 

Ways to cope and look after yourself:

Self-Care: Prioritise sleep, nutrition, and activity; find small moments for yourself daily.

Communicate: Talk about your feelings with trusted friends, family, or a therapist; write down your thoughts.

Acknowledge & Validate: Recognise these feelings are normal; you're not alone, and you deserve support.

Click Here to head over to our YouTube reading of this Poem.