Self-Care versus Selfishness. 27.6.26
I have been continuing to reflect on keeping a journal around my energy audit. Including what I noticed brought me energy and what appeared to deplete it. One of the things I noticed was when I had given a lot of myself and not necessarily received something back. Another was when I felt shut down and judged or misunderstood. A third was around being very fixed in a specific view and not being open to a range of possibilities. I then began to reflect on my key values and to what extent I was giving them space in my daily life. This connected to values around collaboration, understanding, listening and appreciation. I have now begun to create some daily actions to increase the chances of making sure I am doing things that allow these values to show up more. And spending less time with people or situations where these values are consistently not being met. I also noticed I had been saying yes to a lot of things to help other people. But they were things that were not necessarily filling up my energy in the same way.
With this in mind, I have begun to notice several common themes emerging from my client work recently. Especially where a client is not used to putting their own needs first. And ends up saying ‘yes’ to something when they really didn’t want to. But are concerned about upsetting others or that they may come across as selfish. This is often the case when someone is not in a habit of putting their own needs first. Initially this may feel selfish, especially if others are used to them being someone who prioritises others comfort, personal needs and expectations. But there is a difference between self-care and selfishness which involves intention and impact. With Self Care the focus and intention is on conserving a person’s emotional and physical health to reduce frustration, resentment and burnout for themself. This helps them fill their own energy level up so the impact is they can be more present and supportive to others. They need to put their own oxygen mask on before helping others. With Selfishness the focus and intention is often for a person to prioritise their own needs for short term gratification, irrespective of how it impacts on others. So, the impact is that it is more likely to ignore others’ needs and leave them feeling frustrated and resentful. Another important thing to note is when a person starts to put their self-care first, it may not always be easily welcomed by others. Especially if others gain and benefit from someone saying ‘yes’ all the time. The person who is used to benefiting may have felt more in control or safe with the version of the person they know. A person’s growth and development can look like awkwardness or resistance to a person who may have gained from their compliance. However, a person can’t grow and keep everyone happy all the time. This will often come at the cost of their own peace and comfort.
If this resonates as you read this there are some key things to be aware of:
Taking care of your own needs does not mean you don’t care about others. What it does mean is you are not ignoring your own needs for the sake of acceptance from others. I mentioned earlier about putting your own oxygen mask on first as you can’t give what you don’t have. And when people do, they end up feeling resentful and not creating a healthy honest relationship.
If communicating what your needs are and putting yourself care first causes upset, it is important to weigh that up against you not sharing your honesty and truth. Sometimes self-care may bring short term conflict if another person is not used to you saying no and making your needs a priority. But you may need to experience the short-term discomfort from another for some long-term peace.
It is worth considering ‘What’s the cost of not making your self-care a priority.?’
Are you anxious because you’re always holding your truth back?
Are you resentful because you say “yes” when you mean “no”?
You can be compassionate and still make yourself care a priority. Being honest does not mean being reckless but it is important to stay grounded. So, you may communicate: ‘I appreciate my decision may disappoint you, but it’s coming from a place of self-respect for myself. Not a rejection of you as a person. I am saying no to the request on this occasion not you.’ If a person prefers you when you are only pleasing and conforming, they may not love all aspects of the real you. That may feel uncomfortable to consider, but it may also become freeing. The right people who respect you will not want you to agree to please them.
Reflective activity for your journal/diary:
Question: What has my need to please cost me?
Consider factors such as time, energy, mental health, relationships, or self-respect.
Where have you said ‘yes’ out of fear, not truth? Out of making things ‘ok’ for another person. For the sake of keeping an equilibrium when it takes you to do all the giving?
Now consider what values matter most to you. E.g. Freedom; Connection; Learning; Kindness, Creativity; Peace; Clarity; independence; Loyalty, Fun……
Ask yourself to what degree are you allowing these values to show up in your daily life. Use a Likert scale of 0-10,
0 = I have done nothing to allow this value to show up today, through to 10= I have done everything possible to allow this value to show up today.
Keep a daily score for a few weeks and notice the ones that are lower. Are these values genuinely yours or someone else’s? If they are yours consider what small actions you will start to take on a daily basis to create space for them to show up.
if you need any further support, please contact me at mandy@knowlimitscoach.com
And my poem ‘Permission, permission, permission’ can be found @mandygutsell5940
I offer supportive strategies to honour the past, accept the present and look to the future with peace of mind.
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