There to Here. 28.7.26
Continuing with the theme of self-care I have been working with a number of my clients on the themes of boundary setting. Including some of the reasons why people struggle to put boundaries in place and the impact this can have for the individual and other people around them.
I have been working in the field of Psychology, Mental Health and human motivation for all of my working life. And have learnt many things over that time. For example, every time my clients say yes, they are often avoiding discomfort, and the initial relief can feel rewarding. If the brain could speak it would say ‘Saying yes keeps me safe’. But it only works in the short term because later my clients will often report feeling frustration, resentment and possibly guilt for experiencing the other range of feelings. However, because of the initial relief that avoiding the discomfort can bring, it can be hard to break the habit.
When we have begun to dig deeper my clients have shared some of their reasons for struggling to say no. This has included, ‘Wanting to be liked’; ‘Wanting to feel needed.’; ‘Avoiding guilt’ and ‘Avoiding rejection’ to name a few. In my experience once we begin to understand what the behaviour is trying to achieve, we can then move to considering if the behaviour is still serving my clients well.
So, let’s consider the first two reasons.
1.‘Wanting to be liked’. This often comes from a deeper motivation to belong. Roy Baumeister and Mark Leary in 1995 published an article in Psychological Bulletin proposing that humans have a fundamental psychological need to form and maintain positive relationships. They looked back in history thousands of years ago, noting that being rejected by the group could threaten survival. Although our lives are very different today, our brains still interpret social rejection as a significant threat.
This means that many people unconsciously ask themselves: "If I say no, will they still like me?" So, saying yes isn't simply agreeing to a task. It's also protecting a sense of belonging. However, the irony is that the short-term relief of avoiding rejection often creates long-term emotional costs.
2.Another reason some of my clients have said they struggle to say no is because they want ‘to feel needed’ and for many learnt from a young age putting other’s needs before their own brought positive reinforcement, encouragement and ‘status’ within the family and society. However, as children my clients were probably not aware of the unconscious survival strategies, they used to manage their unmet needs such as surrender, avoidance or overcompensation. This is where the theory of ‘Schemas’ can be helpful as a way of clients understanding what their beliefs are, where they originated from and how to begin to challenge and change them.
The work of ‘Schemas’ has developed over the years and has been attributed to Immanuel Kant as early as 1781, Psychologist Sir Frederick Bartlett in 1932, Piaget in the 1920’s and 50’s, through to Aaron Beck in the 60’s and Jeffrey Young in the 80’s and 90’s.
A lot of the research shows that several ‘schemas’ commonly appear in people who struggle with boundaries. Including self-sacrifice schema, approval-seeking schema and unrelenting standards.
Self-Sacrifice Schema
"Other people's needs are more important than mine." When I have clients who associate strongly with this schema, they often report feeling guilty when looking after themselves.
Approval-Seeking Schema
"My worth depends on what other people think of me." This is where my clients will notice a tendency to constantly monitor others' reactions. So being liked becomes a measure of self-worth.
Unrelenting Standards "I should always cope." "I should always help." "I shouldn't let anyone down." Clients who experience these strong beliefs will often share feeling very driven and not able to rest and relax. In fact, any kind of rest may leave the person feeling like a failure.
So now that we have looked at understanding some of the reasons why setting boundaries can be difficult, I have a couple of activities that may help towards making some changes.
Activity 1: Following the Fear.
When you are struggling to say no, I often encourage my clients to keep asking "And then what?" For example: If I said no... "They'll be disappointed." And then what? "They might think I'm selfish." And then what? "They may not ask me again." And then what? "I'll feel rejected."
The questioning often helps uncover the underlying fear driving the behaviour. Which means the thing that really needs addressing is identified. But it also can take the power away from the initial fear. So, it can feel like the person has exhausted all of the possible consequences and impact.
Activity 2: Separate Fact from Story.
When faced with a request, divide a page into two columns.
Facts
They asked me to help.
They haven't said they'll be upset if I decline.
Story I'm Telling Myself
They'll think I'm difficult.
They'll stop liking me.
I'll let everyone down.
They'll think I'm selfish.
When a number of my clients have done this activity, they have often discovered they're reacting more to the story they've created than to what's actually happening.
Activity 3: Self Reflective Questions.
I utilise self-reflective questions a lot in my Therapy and Coaching work. It deepens the learning and moves progress forward by interrupting automatic mental patterns, reveals hidden blind spots and can connect emotional insights to clear actions.
Exploring Identity
If you stopped saying yes to everything, who would you be? What would become possible if you believed you didn't have to earn your worth? How would you behave if you trusted that people could still value you after hearing "no"?
Looking Forward
What would healthy boundaries allow you to say yes to? What is one boundary your future self would thank you for?What would "enough" look like?
Remember many people often misunderstand boundaries. Boundaries aren't about keeping people out. They're about protecting what matters most. Every boundary answers one simple question:
What am I willing to protect?
Your health? Your family? Your values? Your focus? Your recovery?
When you say no to one request, you're often saying yes to something much bigger.
If you need any further support, please contact me at mandy@knowlimitscoach.com
And my poem ‘The Journey’ can be found @mandygutsell5940
I offer supportive strategies to honour the past, accept the present and look to the future with peace of mind.
Click Here to head over to our YouTube reading of this Poem.