LOSS

I would like to talk a bit more about losing a pet and the impact. I am someone who has always had empathy for another person no matter what type of loss they have experienced. However, if I am truly honest I did not really appreciate the depth of feelings you can have for another animal until we lost the beautiful spirit that is Willow.

A lot of people I have spoken to about the loss of their pet have shared a common theme. The sense of ‘unconditional’ love they have for their pet especially dogs. Comments like ‘they don’t speak back or judge’, ‘They don’t have the same expectation s as human beings’, ‘Every time I came back home, the welcome I got was as fresh as the first day’. In addition, a dog is very reliant on you giving them care, food, walks and support. In addition to the ongoing healthcare at the vets. In return they often become loyal companions, cuddle and welcome home buddies, exercise champions, and comedians with their antics. And another ‘presence’ in your home. When our first dog Jake died, it was a huge loss. And at the same time, I was aware we still had Willow. However, when Willow died the ‘deafening silence’ in the house was palpable. The latter years of Willow were quite different in contrast to Jake. Jake died quite quickly in relative terms and even at age 13 was still very active. Willow was amazing for her age of 14 as a Weimaraner. And I was much more aware of doing things to support her quality of life in her aging process. So, making adaptations was key to extending her quality of life. This included a dog ramp for the car to take the pressure off her joints. Having regular physio and massage to keep her agility and suppleness going. Changing her food to make sure it was more appropriate for her age and stage of life. And so much more. To be frank I would often think very similar to what aging humans also need. In addition, a common theme that arises in conversation with people who have lost their pet is they are often surprised by how much they feel the loss. And will often share they felt more emotion over the loss of their pet than perhaps the loss of a loved one that had died

And that brings me back to the focus on a dog not having the same kind of expectations humans often have of each other. The needs are often simpler. And less conditional. Also, the daily presence and companionship the pet brought may feel different.

At the same time, I also know people who have lost loved ones in their life. And then their dog at a later stage. So it may be that the person is also mourning other losses through the loss of their pet. The experience is known as ‘cumulative grief’ or ‘grief overload’, where the pain of previous losses is re-experienced with each new loss. On working with a new client in my Private Therapy Practise recently, they shared they had lost their pet and 2 family members within the last couple of years. Their father had died a couple of years ago and then of late their mum. It took them by surprise how much it made them think again of their dad, through the loss of their mum. I recall when my own mum died and we were reminiscing with the old photos. This was a different experience in that my dad was still alive at this point. However, he had suffered a life changing head injury many years before. I recall being ‘taken aback’ by the feelings the photos stirred up as I was noticing how my dad looked in the photos. Even though the day was about the loss of mum I realised I was mourning a part of the dad I had also lost a number of years ago. He physically looked quite different before and after the accident and this was very apparent in the photos with him and mum when he was younger. The important message here, is that everyone grieves in their own way. As Dawn Murray says in her book Surviving Pet Loss, “There is no right or wrong way to grieve your loss, there is no right or wrong way to cope, nor is there a particular length of time you should take to adjust to your life without your pet.” (p.15)

What is important is that the loss of a pet is seen as no less than the loss of a human being. The feelings, care and level of relationship people build with their animals often far exceeds what many people think is imaginable.

Tips: If you or someone you know are mourning their pet, acknowledge the impact. Talk about your happy memories with others who understand what it is like to love a pet.

Mark set dates and occasions in your diary. Create a ritual which may be visiting their favourite place.

If you cannot have another pet due to age, health or environment. Maybe see if relative, friend or neighbour can bring their pet round to you. Or if you are more able visit a local farm or park. And in the short term you may want to foster for a few weeks. Or offer to look after someone else's pet.

And if you need more extensive support, contact an empathetic Therapist/Counsellor who understands the loss process. Other support can be found at:

www.bluecross.org.uk

www.cats.org.uk

www.angelpaws.co.uk

www.samaritans.org

www.ease-animals.org.uk

www.betterhelp.com

www.dignipets.co.uk

Book Reference: Surviving Pet Loss. Dawn Murray. 2020 ISBN 9798563257634