For as long as I can remember I have used writing as a form of expression. Over the years I have explored a variety of different ways of journalling for myself and my clients. It offers a way of creating some space around difficult emotions and can organise our thoughts. In addition, it has the benefit of calming our brains emotional alert system and can increase self-awareness.
There are a range of both structured and unstructured ways to journal.
Free writing is where you literally write about anything that comes to mind without stopping or editing. It can feel like a bit of a mind dump. For some people this helps with word association which can connect a range of different thought processes that may appear random. The Artists Way by Julia Cameron follows something she calls ‘Morning Pages’ or some people call ‘unconscious or stream of consciousness writing’. It advocates following a daily practise of writing three pages of unfiltered thoughts immediately upon waking up. It is important to be handwritten rather than typed as writing by hand slows the brain down just enough to keep pace with your thoughts. There is a theory behind the three pages as a minimum. Page one generally clears out superficial noise. Page two begins to dig into deeper emotions and underlying worries. And page three often creates creative breakthroughs, problem solving insights or truths you may not have been aware you were holding. I have utilised the morning pages on and off for a number of years, and each time I find it really helpful. I generally find once I get to page three and beyond, I start to have some insights and begin to become more aware of what is emerging. It’s also often things that I ‘know’ deep down is true for me. But probably push down or ignore.
More structured form so of journalling can include Gratitude lists where you write down things, people or moments you appreciate ach day. For others a Cognitive Behavioural Style may give a more structured approach generally covering: What triggered you; How you felt and responded; Beliefs and thought processes, and then creating a different set of thought processes and reframes.
For one of my clients, putting emotional material onto paper has been particularly helpful for them.
They were a bit unsure to begin with, so I suggested setting a timer for five minutes and writing about the exact feeling they are trying to avoid.
I encouraged them to consider no structure or concern about their grammar. In addition, I also explained to them it was important to not try to make sense of it. But to literally start to write and get pen or pencil to paper. At first, they asked if I could provide a few prompts as their mind was blank. I did try to resist this urge initially, but my client became quite critical of themselves saying they were no good at it. So, I did decide to give them a few ideas to begin. This included: "The feeling I don't want to feel is..." "If I allowed myself to really feel this, I am afraid..." "Right now, I feel..." I encouraged them to keep going and not overthink it too much.
What I know about this kind of exercise is that something which has been swirling around internally is given somewhere else to exist. So, the emotions move onto the page. We can look at it rather than simply experiencing it from the inside. And therefore, it can create a small amount of psychological distance. Which in turn may sometimes offer the distance, enough to allow us to think about something that previously felt too chaotic or overwhelming.
There is also a delicate balance when it comes to emotional avoidance. Turning towards our feelings doesn't mean forcing ourselves to experience everything all at once. In fact, I think this can sometimes be counterproductive. If someone has spent years avoiding a particular emotion, asking them to suddenly sit with it for an hour may feel overwhelming.
With this in mind I often prepare my clients and help them to become more grounded first. This only needs to be ten to twenty seconds, and the benefit can be really visible.
My instruction to step into the space will often include:
Take a breath | Feel your feet on the floor | Look around the room | What do you see? | Notice the chair supporting you | Feel your legs and bottom against the chair | And your feet on the floor | I may also encourage the person to take their footwear off so they can literally feel their feet on the ground | Then I may tell my client the following:
Remind yourself:
"I am here. I am safe in this moment. I can feel this and I can come back." Then perhaps return to the feeling for another few seconds. We are gradually building a different experience:
"I can approach this feeling without being completely overwhelmed by it." This can be particularly important when working with experiences connected to trauma or significant emotional distress. Sometimes these feelings need to be approached carefully and gradually.
I then move into exploring what the emotion may be asking for. Two of the key questions I will ask my client to consider is: "What does this emotion need?" And "What is it telling me?"
Sometimes sadness might be asking us to acknowledge a loss. Anger might be telling us that a boundary has been crossed. Anxiety might be highlighting something that feels uncertain or unsafe. Loneliness might be pointing towards a need for connection. Shame might be asking us to explore a deeper belief about ourselves. And sometimes the emotion isn't really about what is happening today at all. Something in the present may simply have activated something much older. This is why I think our emotions deserve more compassion than we sometimes give them. They aren't always logical or proportionate but they are usually telling us something about our experience.
The more I work with emotional avoidance, the more I think the goal isn't necessarily to become someone who feels less. Perhaps it is to become someone who is less frightened by what they feel. To be able to notice anxiety without immediately running from it. To allow sadness to be present without deciding that we are failing. To acknowledge anger without automatically acting on it. To recognise shame without allowing it to define who we are. To experience grief without believing that feeling it means we will always feel this way.
We don't have to love our emotions. We don't have to understand every feeling. And we don't have to act on everything we feel. But perhaps we can become a little more willing to sit beside ourselves while the feeling is there. For me, that is often where the work begins. Not with trying to make the emotion disappear. But with developing enough safety and curiosity to turn towards it and ask: "What is happening here?""What are you trying to tell me?" And "Can I stay with myself while I feel this?"
Because sometimes the thing we have spent so much energy trying to escape isn't asking us to fight harder. Perhaps it is simply asking us to listen.
If you need any further support, please contact me at mandy@knowlimitscoach.com
And my poem ‘I Wonder’ can be found @mandygutsell5940
I offer supportive strategies to honour the past, accept the present and look to the future with peace of mind.
Click Here to head over to our YouTube reading of this Poem.